I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
