I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
