My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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