Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
