I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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