Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
