yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
