My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
