why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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