i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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