I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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