You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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