I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
