You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
