tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
