NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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