all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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