he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
