I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
