So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
