The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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