your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
