Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
