somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
