i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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