Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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