I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
