whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
