New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
