I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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