I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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