No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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