i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My ass is underappreciated
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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