We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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