Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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