i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
