Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
