He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
