not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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