I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
