Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
