Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
