I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
