The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
