so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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