I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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