I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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