just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
