im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
