Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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