I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize