I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
