She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
