conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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