I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
