: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
