You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
