East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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