I am midnight drunk by noon
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
