I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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