I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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