You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
